Monday, 11 May 2009


In the backstreets of Ehrenfeld, there is a tattoo parlour.

He's been there for about five years now, and I can't help but think why, because I wouldn't let him anywhere near my hide armed with a ballpoint pen, let alone a needle.

The reason for this is plain.

The window is full of examples of his work, and it's truly horrifying. There are pencil sketches, and photos of the final product, and, to be brutally honest, I certainly wouldn't use the word "Talented" to describe his work.. Well, only if I was prefixing it with "Far from".

For example, there is a portrait - obviously some kind of preliminary work - of Elvis. Unfortunately, whoever drew the portrait of Elvis hasn't quite got the basic proportions right, and so the king of Rock N' Roll looks unfortunately... how can I say it? Well, it's not so much Elvis as Joey Fratelli from "The Goonies", to be frank. Even the most committed Elvis fan would think twice about having this tattooed on their hide, surely? Think again : Someone actually did. "Committed" certainly seems to be the right word.

There's also a couple of other pictures : Harry Potter (I don't even want to think about the state of sanity of whoever wanted that) and a Minotaur. The same standards of artwork hold for both of these as well. Harry seems bent on poking his eye out with his magic wand, whilst the Minotaur, although supposed to be straining in a muscleman pose, looks like he's just farted, complete with rolling eyes and a cheesy grin.

Don't get me wrong, he's probably quite good at some tattoos, such as the type sported on the back by a certain class of german female who insist on walking about with a permanent wedgie.

But if I ever feel stupid enough to submit to ritual mutilation, I think I'll look elsewhere.